The Sims / Flat B
I recreated my flat — or something close to it — using the free version of The Sims 4. In this world, I had a job as an amateur entertainer during the day, and at night I could make art and sleep. I tried to give myself a routine, a simulation of stability. I felt like I was falling behind in life, so I made a version of life where I wasn’t.
But it was through the boring parts — the repetition, the daily upkeep — that I started to notice I actually felt better. Cutting out alcohol. Doing yoga. Creating an evening routine. These tiny, unglamorous changes were what pulled me through. But to do any of it, I had to cosplay as a well person. Pretend first. Then act. Then maybe feel.
The hardest part was the 5PM anxiety — a wave of nervous energy that hit like clockwork every evening. It was sharp and physical, like a jolt in the chest. I’d do anything to avoid it: go out, drink, sleep around, distract myself. But that wasn’t sustainable. So I started forcing myself to stay in and do something good.
But it was through the boring parts — the repetition, the daily upkeep — that I started to notice I actually felt better. Cutting out alcohol. Doing yoga. Creating an evening routine. These tiny, unglamorous changes were what pulled me through. But to do any of it, I had to cosplay as a well person. Pretend first. Then act. Then maybe feel.
It felt like, every night at 5PM, a rabid dog would be released into my flat. And for a while, I thought if I just avoided the flat, I could avoid the dog. But eventually, I had to learn to share a routine with it. Cook dinner, do yoga, clean the bathroom — with this frothing thing circling me.
It took a while to accept that the dog wasn’t some external horror — it was just feelings. Difficult, unprocessed, snarling feelings. Diseased. So I bought a small karaoke machine.