The Four Women.
The Four Parts of Me.
Pat Butcher, Ivy, Mary Poppins, and Lilith.
These were the names I gave the fragmented parts of myself that never felt fully integrated.
I’d have huge gaps in memory and find myself acting like completely different people depending on the situation. There was no consistent “me” at the core — just fragments. I drank to manage the anxiety, and that would kick off a cycle:
PAT BUTCHER
Impulsive, loud, chaotic energy
MARY POPPINS
Lost in psychosis, weaving elaborate fantasies in my head.
LILITH
Destructive, pushing everyone (including myself) away.
IVY
the crash, the come-down, the guilt, the sleep.
It wasn’t always as neat as that — more like a messy carousel. I even made a web series based on these women — Cats of Tottenham — a cartoon, feminist, flawed version of them. That project lives on its own page, but it grew from the same root.